Entrusting Myself to Him
Why, Lord? Why? I don’t understand what You are doing in my life.
I was a young mom with two littles and my heart’s desire was to teach other adults to study Scripture inductively. At that time, a trainer would travel across the country to teach 3 day sessions to a group of adults several times a year. Oh, I so wanted others to see and know God’s Word in living color, alive and vibrant instead of dusty black and white. I submitted the application only to be refused because a friend misunderstood a situation and reported to them that I was not qualified to be a trainer because this friend surmised that I was not submissive to authority. There was no changing the decision. I was devastated. Why would God put on my heart this desire and then crush the opportunity by a false report? I could not understand.
One Scripture became a close companion through the next few years. I refused to let bitterness poison the hurt. Jesus led me through this murky fog by His example as described by Peter:
For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously” 1 Peter 2:21-23
Through tears and frustration and finally resignation, I tenaciously entrusted myself, my heart’s desire, to Him who judges righteously. God knew my heart to serve Him in this way. God knew my heart towards submission to authority. He knew me, even when others did not. And I knew that He was trustworthy.
After several years, my littles were beginning elementary homeschool and I so wanted them to know God firsthand through His Word through learning the tools that I had learned. I began writing simple lessons for them, teaching them one tool at a time. I was teaching a group of adults 2 Timothy inductively. Other families became interested for their children to learn how to learn and a new ministry was born. God took my first desire and buried it for a time until I was willing to follow His lead for my family to teach other families how to know God firsthand through His Word! Only God! Only God is able to magnify a ministry to bring glory to Him! It was completely beyond me to do this in and of myself. And it was so worth the wait! I had the joy of growing with my family and others for several amazing years as we traveled across the country, and even to another country to share with other families.
You would think that I would remember that powerful lesson: to wait on the LORD and His timing, to - do His work. Unfortunately, I am in need of a “redo.” After a season of caregiving and empty nest, I decided that I needed to write more studies for children and families. I worked up outlines and plans for writing and yet found incredible difficulty to write any of these. Had God taken away the ability because I stopped? What was wrong with me? I’ve done this before; why is it now almost impossible? Is this warfare? Questions swirled and taunted me, unanswered. I became a broken record of frustration to dear ones who would encourage me. I was at the end of my rope.
Last week my Abba lovingly challenged me through three different conversations with different people that I need to write out of the overflow of my heart at this point in the journey. I don’t have littles now, but I have been stretched and deepened through caregiving in all of its facets: home care, hospice at home, death of parents, financial needs and planning for those living alone, and health challenges for several others. As God brings me through this “redo” lesson of learning to follow His plan
instead of my own, of entrusting myself and my life to Him. He gives gifts, He directs the use and the fruit of those gifts. He is the Vine and the Vinedresser: I am His branch. I have the privilege of following His lead. I’m looking forward to the fruit that will come as a result of this time of pruning. However He directs, I am so grateful that He will complete the plans He has for us! May the fruit that comes from these ongoing hard times be sweet, so that others may taste and see that our LORD is good!